| Sometimes, you have this feeling that you got a lot of things to do, but haven't made a list or had a clear idea how to do all of them. Instead of making a plan, you let it stay in your head and make yourself procrastinate because you don't want to face it right away. They soon fall into your "maybe later" section of your brain. Then, later on, after you've done them, you realize it is nothing difficult but just many little things and you feel silly that why it bugs you for so long.
The same thing with the causes of my bitterness to this world, I keep blaming on everything around me that I am so not happy. For that, I've been thinking and praying. What's made me such a bitter person that can't even have one second of positive thought now.
Only God knows, those debts of my heart that I didn't have the guts to face are catching up with me and eating me up from inside. I know they exist, there, right in the center of my heart. God knows I am a person so wanting to give love and care to this world, but I actually ended up giving out nothing but pressure to people. Because my love and care were so empty without the strength and true purpose from God. For real love and care, you just don't expect if there is a return from it, but most of people do anyways. And, I always looked at the wrong places to shelter my heart. People have no responsibility to take good care of my heart, it falls on God's hand. Being a Christian, how can I repeatedly make this kind of mistake? I've tried to satisfy my thirst for love with others, and become so dependent on the seldom love that people give, even it's just little. I totally forgot, God's here waiting for me, ready to supply me with all the love he has prepared for me, more than I need, more than anyone could give, and yet, I've been silly not to take it into my heart entirely.
God, you see the debts of my heart, and you still love me the same. |
